Brown-eyed Girl

It is crazy to leave a place that you have lived for almost eight years but that is what we have done.  Funny, how a two bed room duplex looks huge to “single-married people”.  (that is what I call married people, who work full time and have no children).  We did not have a clue how much life would change and how much joy we would experience  and how crowded that the “huge” duplex would become.   We have been blessed with an amazing opportunity to live in a great house near the beach with a lot more space and an amazing location.  It was not easy to leave but I am so thankful for all the good memories and the chance to have more good memories in our new home.

Jacob had a tough night the first night here and he wanted to go back to our old house.  The next day, I took him back to our completely empty house.  We had a good talk about how empty the house was and was this really our home.  He said No.  I explained or tried to that our family makes wherever we are home not the place or the things.  It was a great reminder to me that the important things are family not things.  Now, I am trying to remember that with all the little odds and ends that I want.  Family, that is the important thing.  It does not matter if it is in a duplex, a mansion, somewhere in between, all that matters is that I have the people I love are with me.

Aislinn turns 4 today.  She is the most amazingly beautiful little girl.  She knows what she wants and has no issue with expressing herself.  It is funny watching her interact with the world around her.  She is positive and optimistic, sees the best, loves freely, can be prone to being a diva, and makes me smile every single day.  I love her and enjoy being her Mom.  It is a challenge too as all good things are.

Happy Birthday my princess, ballerina, and loving child.  I love being in your live and look forward to all that God has in store for our little girl named for a clear vision.

Tonight, I took my children to their first wake.  One of my best friends had her 91 year old grandfather living with her and he passed away on Sunday.  My children knew “Pop” and attempting to be a good friend and also have a teachable moment with them, we attended the wake.  I was nervous becuase my children are very lively and well a wake is not the most liveliest of places.  The kids did well and it was a good time supporting my friend.  I had a good conversation with my 5 year old son about death and he stated something that was very telling for someone with such a short time on the earth.  He thought that “Pop” was a statue because it looked like him but it wasn’t.  I explained to the best of my ability why that was the fact in a very mom theological manner.  (Who knew Bible college would pay off in such a profound way?)  I am sure this is not the end of the conversation with the kids.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the other Friday night Wake, Tim Wakefield was just pulled form the Red Sox/Yankees game for pitching quiet horribly.  My husband is crying in the background but this too will pass(hopefully)

Summertime is here with and the weather is actually cooperating, hard to believe.  I have been enjoying this time reconnecting with the kids and I love it.   Funny, how when you are vegging out by the lake, the kids don’t seem to fight as much but the minute they are strapped in to go home, the floodgates open and every word is a complaint.  Kind of like me at times too.   I hate that!

We just returned from one of my favorite spots in the world, Crystal Lake in CT.  My In-laws live there and it is a peaceful, beautiful place where the sign my mil has hanging up is true, “if you are lucky enough to be at the lake, you are lucky enough.”  I spent the better part of the day watching the kids play in the water and talking with my mother and father in-law.  When I left, I felt so great but then life happened and I had a stupid argument with someone that I love.  Not a huge one but one that is uncomfortable and now I reflect on my kids in the car arguing all the way home.  I am such a child at times and I hate that.  I want to go back to the lake and veg but now I have to resolve this argument.  Hopefully, I will learn something from this that I can pass along to my children…

Remember being a kid and how slow time seemed to go. I remember thinking, I cannot wait to be 10, (it seemed so far away) because I would finally be able to stay up later, get a big girl bike, etc… Then, I could not wait to be 13, a real teenager, no more kid stuff for me. Then 16, and on and on it went.

Funny thing is that now time does not seem to slow down. I watch my kids age so fast before my eyes, changing, and saying the same things that I once did. “When I am eight, I will be sooooo big”. It is not in the aches and pains that make me notice the passage of time it the aging of my parents. They always seemed frozen at a certain age in my mind but that image gets distorted by reality. My dad will be 72 and is deteriorating pretty quickly, my mom is 60 and she is getting tired. This has been a painful realization, my parents will not be around forever. They will leave and then what….

This has brought me into deep thoughts about the meaning of my own life and even my own mortality. What is my legacy? What will I leave behind? I almost wish the hands of the clock could go back to the days of long summer days laying in the fields with my sister dreaming about growing up, listening to my parents talk about the day, hearing the birds, riding my bike, and being a kid. I really do miss those old days. So, I will smile a little when my kids wish for time to fly because the funny thing is that it does, they just don’t know it yet.

Hard to believe the last time I blogged in this forum was seven months ago.  I have wanted to but have not done so.  The prompting to begin again was inspired by listening to “Romance Unwrapped” a sermon series of Mosaic.  I have been really challenged by some of the key themes of the talk.  The big one is the one of Character.  Funny, how that word conjures up images for us.  “I am a person of character” one may say.  True, true, but what kind of character would that be.  Sometimes we deceive even ourselves about who we are and our motivations.  We are disappointed in those around us and unhappy in our relationships but we never look at our own culpability.

I am a very happily married woman but the talks given by Erwin and Kim were challenging because I see myself being selfish, not walking in humility not only in my marriage but in other relationships in my life.  It is easy to blame the other party, but I am responsible for my own actions or inaction.  In the heat of the moment, I say things I would never say if I was walking in love and humility.  I do keep score and have a hard time letting go of hurts.  I push and push until I make my husband want to scream.  I truly want my own way more than I care to admit.  Yet, in all of this I claim to be a follower of Christ, the one who knelt and washed the disciples dirty, stinky feet.  The Servant King is the example that I claim to follow but many times the image I pursue seems to be my own.  (Ouch)

As the layers are peeled back, it is not always pretty but I am thankful that the challenge is there.  We are called to a higher calling, superhero living.  We are not to respond to violence with violence, to hurt with hurting, but with love.  It is radical but that is the life we are called to live out in this world and in our relationships.   Jesus lived and died this way and if we claim to be followers of Him, then so should we.  Just as Peter cringed when Jesus went to wash his feet, we cringe too, because Jesus asks us to do as He does.  Living a servant life is really a superhero life.  It is way above what the world is calling us to do, it is way above being nice, it is really loving and really living.

I just finished my third go around with the book by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz.  I really love this book.  I always say that Donald Miller says things that I would say if I could write.  He captures so many emotions in his book.  The tagline of the book is nonreligious thoughs on christian spirituality.  This book challenges and cativates me each time I read it and I recommend to anyone who wants to be stretched and think a little.   I am still processing all the information and meditating on it.

I turned thirty (gasp) on August 21. I am not depressed about that in any way but it was a time for reflection and evaluation. We happened to take our family vacation during that time. We had a nice time with the kids and a crazy time on bikes on Block Island which contrary to what the brochures say is not recommended. Take it from me!!!! We were returning to a weekend at the Lake, my favorite spot in all the world. As we pulled up, I saw a sign stating “Rita’s 30th bash”. I was suprised and realized my husband had lied to me as had my mother and father in law. There were 60 people including friends from Maryland and even my own mom and sisters. I smiled so much my face hurt and talked to friends that mean so much that there is never enough to really share life together.

My husband suprised me that day because he totally knew what would make me the most happy, being surrounded with the people I love celebrating.  It was definitely a bash and one I will never forget.  Life is so crazy, one minute you think you are going to have a relaxing day at the lake and it turns out to be the most crazy and funfilled day full of laughter and memories.  I hope everyone can experience a day like that, it was awesome.

We are officially on vacation!!! YEAH!!!  It is so funny that when I look at the calendar before vacation, time crawls by at a snail’s pace but once the vacation starts, the time flies.  No fair, I know.  We spent time at my in-law’s house by the lake which is my all time favorite spot in the world.  Why?  Let me tell you why.  Have you ever been in a place and could feel love and almost taste it.  Well, that is the lake.  It is a place where my husband’s family have lived for a very long time.  It is not a mansion but it has character.  It is a place you can truly be yourself and let go of all the stresses and relax.  I go there and feel free to sleep, eat, read, write, laugh, watch my kids, yell at the Red Sox, and experience life with the people I love the most.  I wish I could bottle the “Lake Experience” and bring it home or to my job but that is not possible.  I have prayed that when we have our home, that I can incoperate the “Lake Experience” into it.  It is not only that Butch and Cindy have a great location, it is the fact that the walls speak of the love that has been shared there and no matter where you live you can have that.   Also, I would love it if my kids would love to hang out with me when they are adults.  Some people dread the thought of spending time with the in-laws or parents but I love being with them.  They are amazing and I am so thankful and blessed beyond anything I would have thought possible.  So, this is the one vacation I will remember not because of what we did or how much we spent but because it was a time of rest and fun with the people I love.  That is better than the tropical getaway I thought I wanted.

I have really enjoyed the voxing experience lately because it helps me find my voice and share what I have been feeling which is a good thing.  The one thing that has held me back at times is that you are “out there” or exposed.  I am a crazy person that will literally get up and sing “You’re so Vain” in front of people that I do not know and laugh loud, dance like Elaine from Seinfield.  I know that you get the picture.  I am a crazy person but with some of the deeper things that are going around in my heart, I feel a bit more reluctant about sharing.

Sunday, we had our Immersion experience and a friend came that has minimal exposure to Christ but she occasionally comes to our church and enjoys the interaction.  We were talking about conditional love vs. unconditional love, pride vs humility, and one other one that keeps evading my mind (daughter crying at the time may account for that).  We discussed how hard it is to give and recieve love and how we actually like the bondaries conditional may allow us.  I had never thought of that before and it was really challenging.  It was a really intense discussion where some tears were shed discussing love and our lack of it in our lives.  It was truly a beautiful time.  As we discussed, my friend said something that made me pause.  She enjoys coming to our church but when she comes she cries and feels the beauty and it scares her and she doesn’t enjoy crying and doesn’t know why she cries.  It was such an open door for us to talk about why that may be the case.  I have felt that way too.  I have come to church felt God moving all around and been touched even when my heart wanted to run away.  The reasons is that I felt exposed and naked.

God desires to peel back all our layers to the real heart of the matter.  He doesn’t want to see the show but the real that lies underneath.  He wants us to be exposed and not in the vulgar way but in the beautiful cleansing and refreshing way only He can bring.  Now, I may still sing at the top of my lungs off key some 80s tune and dance like a maniac but I also want to be softer in the hand of God and be exposed.